Just Right
by thenostalgicdreamer
Summary: Meeting Zay again makes Smackle ponder life, love, and destiny.


_for C,_

_thankful for everything we have, I wouldn't trade it for the world_

* * *

She had never thought that she could ever become a West coast girl; her family was perhaps the most stereotypical New Yorkers that you could imagine. Yet, four years of studying at Stanford had changed her. Perhaps it was the like-minded friends she made or the amazing neuroscience department that was to blame, but she had come to love the sunny skies and warm breezes of Northern California. Maybe she hadn't come for California, but she was going to miss it when she left.

It had always been her plan to go east after finishing her undergrad. A doctorate degree at Harvard was calling her name, and she would settle for nothing less. So, she packed her bags and moved to a small drafty apartment in Boston where she expected to spend the next five to six years. Nothing would have deterred her from following her dream, but it helped her to know that she had friends nearby already. She and Lucas had been the only of the clique six not to migrate north to Massachusetts for college, and only Maya had since moved away. School and research internships had kept her busy, but the old high school gang were still very much dear to her heart. How could she forget her friends—the people who had first taught her that she was so much more than a brain?

Accordingly, the first week in Boston found her at Farkle and Riley's apartment. It was small perhaps in a historic building that she was sure Riley had picked out, but that only added to the homeyness that pervaded the place. The decor was eclectic and somehow reminded her of a mature version of Riley's childhood bedroom. Unique pieces were everywhere-things that Riley told her they had picked up at shops and markets in the nearby towns and cities they loved to visit on the weekends. Riley herself was in her element boiling hot water for tea, setting the table with her tea things, and asking Smackle a million questions about her adventures of the past few years. Farkle comfortably made his way around the kitchen laying out Riley's favorite loose leaf teas and stopping when he finished to smile at her the way he always did. Their love for each other filled the room creating this air of stability and warmth that touched her heart. It was evident that they were confident in each other and believed strongly that together they were invincible.

Their life wasn't easy. Perhaps they didn't have money worries thanks to wealthy parents who helped pay the bills, but they still faced all the other challenges of student life. Their schedules were very full—Riley's with law school and Farkle's with classes and research projects. They were busy adulting, trying to seeing their families when they could and maintain a marriage among classmates and friends who were living up the single life. Yet, they seemed so happy and settled. Seeing them work together to serve her tea, Smackle wondered how she had ever thought that Farkle would be perfect for her. He belonged here—with Riley. The joy that had always permeated her being had now thoroughly infected his giving him this quiet confidence that spoke of his acceptance of all of life's beauty and sorrow.

She went home that night with a thankful heart. Perhaps she had just come from two weeks at home, but she hadn't felt so at home in a very long time. There was something comforting about being among friends especially ones who had known her for so long. They had chosen her as a friend knowing everything about her, and there was hardly something more able to boost her confidence than that. Best of all, they had invited her back promising to have another tea night on a day when Zay didn't have a shift at the coffee shop or a dance class to teach.

Thus, tea nights became an established tradition. Every Tuesday night found Zay and Smackle at Riley and Farkle's apartment enjoying a cup of Riley's delicious tea. When Maya was in town, she joined them too, but when she wasn't, they met anyway. Sometimes, they talked about the meaning of life for hours on end; other times, they played board games or Zay's favorite dance video game. Always, they laughed until their sides hurt and forget the troubles of life for a little while. There was a warmth that Smackle always felt on tea nights that she never felt any other time of the week. Acceptance and support flowed freely and unconditionally leaving her wondering what she had done to find and deserve something so wonderful.

For all the anticipation she had had about finally starting her doctorate degree, the reality had proved far less wonderful. She had chosen Harvard because of it' impeccable reputation. When she was intelligent enough to always earn the best grades, why should she settle for anything less than the best? The neuroscience program itself was highly rated, and many of the top neuroscientists around the world had started their work in its laboratories. To add to her excitement, she had been invited by Dr. Ishikawa herself to join a research project as a graduate assistant even though it was only her first year. Her life was finally beginning, and she could hardly be more excited. As the weeks passed, however, it became increasingly clear that she did not like working with the graduate student whose project she had been asked to join. She had anticipated being dumped with the little tedious jobs that it wasn't necessary for the lead researcher to do. However, she had not expected to be treated like a worthless newbie. School was where she fit in. Everyone always complimented her intelligence, insight, and hard work. This researcher, however, claimed she was doing everything wrong. She trudged forward making sure to be as meticulous as possible and even doing more research than she was asked to hoping to somehow raise herself in his opinion. But it didn't work. He continued to treat her like dirt always finding something to critique in her work and sometimes even herself. She found herself dreading going to work wondering what she'd be criticized for and sure it would be something. Academia may have been where she had always belonged, but she wasn't fitting in there now.

She found herself increasingly looking forward to tea nights and the respite they gave her from the oppressive circumstances she found herself in. When she was sitting around with Farkle, Riley, and Zay; she felt the worries float away. With them, she was accepted and loved, and her opinion always mattered. Even though he didn't know what was going on, Zay never failed to try to cheer her up. Maybe he wasn't trying, but whatever the case might be, she always left with her spirits lighter. He was always smiling that smile that she had decided was the brightest smile in the world and always telling stories about his dance students' ridiculous antics and the way his charm never failed to win over the customers at the coffee shop. She didn't find that hard to imagine when she found him ridiculously charming himself. She couldn't remember a time when she hadn't been fond of Zay. Maybe she had been surprised by him at first, but once she had gotten past her disbelief that there could be a boy so unlike what she had believed boys to be, she had found that she really enjoyed his company. He had unique prospective on life that broadened her horizons, and he frequently introduced her to new things that she had never yet experienced.

These days, Zay was everything that he had been then and more. The years had torn down the apprehension he had about being everything that he was. Today, he was unapologetically himself. He had discarded the boring button downs of high school for short sleeve shirts with crazy prints and ripped jeans. He shopped at thrift stores now for vintage pieces that could uniquely be his own. He spent his evenings off at house shows for bands no one had heard of and had a dance channel where he made videos of choreography that defied the boundaries of genre. Best of all, he didn't hesitate to share his aspirations and insights with whoever was willing to listen. It was like he finally believed in himself now—that he was a capable, valuable person with much to offer. Sitting and listening to him as they drank tea, Smackle couldn't help feeling like she was learning—learning to take life slow and appreciate its small joys.

When the day finally came when Smackle found the courage to share her heart about the injustices she was facing in the neuroscience laboratory, it was only natural that it happened on a Tuesday night as they were all sitting around Farkle and Riley's kitchen table. Riley naturally was horrified especially when she learned that it seemed that Smackle's other female colleagues were being treated with similar disrespect. She asked a million questions and was ready to march into Dr. Ishikawa's office herself to file a complaint. She got so riled up that it took some choice words from Farkle to calm her down. He himself noted that he had yet to see anything like that at MIT and had some suggestions about avenues in which she could seek support. Zay meanwhile said hardly anything except to commiserate and express his sympathy. Yet, the sadness in his eyes for the rest of the evening and the hug he gave her when they left was what she remembered in the week that followed. Perhaps, he had no clue of what to do in a situation like hers, but he cared so deeply it felt like he had found a way to hug her soul.

She marched into the rest of the week her heart full of the kindness she'd felt on tea night. Never in her life had she felt so throughly supported. Perhaps they were all so busy she wouldn't see them again until Tuesday, but they wouldn't stop being there for her. Riley kept texting her ideas, and by the end of the week, they had formulated a plan for moving toward filing an initial complaint. Through it all, she kept thinking of Zay knowing that he was proud of her and believed in her no matter what.

Despite the support she found in her friends, there was no easy path out. She couldn't merely quit the research project to which she had been assigned. It was a tremendous honor to have been offered the position in the first place and to leave it would close the doors to research jobs in the future. Even though she had decided to file an official complaint with the office of equal opportunity, she knew she didn't have enough evidence yet to warrant their taking any action on her behalf and had to wait until she complied evidence that would be conclusive. In the meantime, she continued to spend her days at the lab. While she had learned to keep her mouth shut, she still was not immune to the endless criticism and disrespect she had faced since the beginning of the year. While she thought of the others often during her days at the lab, they couldn't be there to reassure her, and she often felt discouraged.

Through it all, she found herself counting down the days until Tuesday wondering what Zay would tell her and how many times she'd make him laugh. As much as she loved Farkle and Riley and their cozy home, it was Zay who made her week by being the bright spot when all around her felt dark. Her favorite was when he called a dance night. He always chose the best songs and lead her in the easiest routines. Dancing with him was magic. The lights were always low, and they were always perfectly in tune with the music. As dazzling as his smile was, it was the gentleness of his eyes that grounded her and made her heart so happy it felt like it would burst out of her chest.

Sometime in the middle of winter, she was confronted by the fact that she was falling for Zay. The second Tuesday night in a row had been cancelled due to Riley and Farkle's busy schedules, and she felt so sad she didn't know what to do. She supposed she could see if Zay was available, but she didn't know what he would think of that. They never hung out outside of their tea nights with Farkle and Riley. Besides, wouldn't he think that she liked him if she did that? She couldn't even honestly say that that wasn't true. Still, she didn't feel ready to move onto a new phase. Everything was so comfortable between them just being friends. Opening her heart to something more only made everything more complicated. She would be running the risk of rejection and heartbreak, and she wasn't sure if she was up for that—not when she was teetering on the edge of heartbreak over her situation already.

At the same time, how could she not adore him? He was like a lantern flickering in the darkness—bright and dazzling no matter what happened around him. He wasn't the buff jock of her dreams or the brilliant rich boy her parents wanted for her, but he was kind, gentle, and hilarious and made her unspeakable happy. As much as she didn't want it to be true, she couldn't not fall for him because it was too late. She had already fallen for him. She had dove in head first, and there was no return. There was only more falling.

Once she opened her heart to the possibility, there was no stopping her. There were still just Tuesday night tea nights that too often got cancelled to the busyness of all their schedules, yet that couldn't keep him from growing more and more important in her life. Tuesday night became the culmination of her week, and she found herself relieving every conversation of the night in the days that followed. Sometimes, she worried that she annoyed her study partners with her constant talk about her dance instructor friend. She tried to stop yet found herself unable to. He was like a song playing on repeat in her brain. Nothing she tried would make it stop, or perhaps she never cared to really try to make it stop. Either way, he was never far away. When Tuesday night finally rolled around, she was bursting with happiness, and sometimes she sat and stared at him and said nothing struggling to believe that this all was real.

As the winter faded into spring, it became all the more apparent that he had become wound around her heart or rather she had wound him around her heart. He had done nothing except be his tremendously amazing self willing to be there for her in her time of need, yet that had been enough for her to become hopelessly attached to him as she had not been attached to a boy in a long time. There would be no saying goodbye to him or to Tuesday tea nights without her suffering intense pain. He mattered so much to her that letting him slip away was unthinkable. Yet, there was nothing keeping him in her life except the enjoyment that he and the others found in spending time with their old friends. It was out of her hands, and that frankly was terrifying.

Regardless of what her brain told her, he was not hers. He probably had no idea how much she adored him. Unless he was way more perceptive than she took him to be, there was no way he knew. He was happy to be friends and enjoy the chill but cozy Tuesday nights with Riley and Farkle. She wanted to be happy being just friends too—it was easy and familiar. But she just couldn't get him out of her head.

This was far from new territory; she was no stranger to having a crush. Her teenage years had been one long string of crushes and short relationships after another, yet this felt entirely different. She had never been shy about her feelings before. It had long been a joke with her friends that the boy always knew about her crush before they did. She didn't know why this time was different; all she knew was that she didn't want Zay to know about her feelings. The idea scared for a reason she could not explain. He was kind; she had no reason to expect that he would be rude even if he didn't feel the same way. Still, telling him felt like something she desperately wanted to avoid.

When she was ten years old, her favorite aunt and uncle had gone through a messy divorce. Watching it all unfold had been devastating, and she had never seen her aunt again. Young as she was, she had made the determination that that would not happen to her. Thus, the perfect man list was born. She had created a list that described her ideal man in vivid detail and had promised herself that she wouldn't marry anyone who didn't fit every quality on the list. She had memorized it quickly and set it in the drawer where she kept everything that was important to her.

When she reached her teenage years, she had relegated the list to the future. Marriage and divorce worries were down the road; now was the time to have fun and enjoy all the cute boys in her life. She had flirted with every boy who had caught her attention and had developed a reputation for being boy crazy. While she had attracted attention, she had often wondered whether anyone would actually consider her girlfriend material. Maybe she wasn't shy and knew how to flirt, but she didn't do emotions and struggled to communicate. Girlfriends were supposed to draw you out and be someone you could talk to and lean on when times got tough. She wasn't sure she could be that, and she wasn't sure anyone would want someone who wasn't that.

Meanwhile, she had found her imagination settling on Farkle Minkus. Maybe he didn't have abs and wasn't tall, but his freakishly high IQ more than made up for it. He had nerdy interests and was an all around nice guy. Besides, she found him attractive. The more she pondered the situation, the more she had realized that perhaps being his girlfriend would work. He like her felt out of place socially and struggled with emotions. Surely, he wouldn't be turned off by the idea of dating a girl like that. Realizing that now was her chance; she had made up her mind to date him. She had flirted with him non-stopping going to great lengths to impress him until he had finally agreed to take her out. Later on, she had realized that that had had everything to with Riley's persuasion, but at the time, it had felt like a great accomplishment.

Initially, she had been really happy. Farkle was as good of a person as she had believed him to be before they started dating, and it was such a relief to not have to worry about not being girlfriend material. Everything was the way she would have wanted it too. They had study dates all the time and went nerdy places like the science museum and local colleges. Still as time passed, she had to admit she was getting bored. She had never imagined that she would get bored with someone who liked the same things she did and understand everything to the depth she understood it. Yet, that was exactly what happened. She struggled with it for a long time until Farkle in the most gracious way possible admitted that he was bored too. She had walked away having to admit that he as lovely of a person as he was he simply wasn't for her. It wasn't right and never could be right. Perhaps that defied understanding even by her genius brain, but it was simply the truth.

Saying goodbye to Farkle was a tremendous relief because she had known that he was not right for her for quite some time. To her disappointment, her apprehension about finding someone truly right for her had only increased. She couldn't trust the list when Farkle had met all the personality and intelligence items on it and hadn't been right. That obviously wasn't the right way to tell, but how would she know? What if there wasn't someone right for her? She had considered her best option to go out and try relationships with whoever struck her fancy, so she had spent high school and college in short flings and longer relationships some alight and some terrible. Yet, she had never once found someone who was right. While this had only increased her doubts about finding someone who was right, she had also only become more convinced that it was worth waiting for someone who was right.

This time, though, she really didn't want to put herself out there. She knew her past self would have let him know about her feelings long ago, but she couldn't shake the idea that that's not what she wanted. It really wasn't that bad or that big of a deal. Worst case, he'd tell her no, and that'd be the end. Best case, it'd all work. It was as simple as that, but somehow, she knew it wasn't what she wanted this time. There was something about Zay and the friendship they had that was truly magical. There was this trust between them that made her feel like she truly belonged. Zay didn't care if she wasn't the stereotypical girl. He appreciated her for everything that she was reminding her by his acceptance that she ought to appreciate and value herself. To him, she was important and worth listening to. She couldn't really explain how that made her feel. The relationship that they had defied labels and was infinitely more satisfying than any flirtation she had ever had. In his gentle, non-confrontational way, he was teaching her so much about love—loving herself, others, and life itself; and that was changing her life.

The truth was that as much as she adored Zay, she didn't need him. The circumstances hadn't turned her into a damsel in distress even if they made her feel like one. With her friends by her side, she was doing just fine. Maybe she thought Zay was out of this world attractive, but that didn't mean that he had to be more than just her friend. What they had was so much, and perhaps it was just right. Maybe she was dreading the day life would take him away from her again, but she knew that even time and distance couldn't destroy what they had. Maybe that's what she had missed all this time. Maybe life was about learning to stop trying to force your dreams and to just take what came so everything could be just right. A list couldn't guarantee her safety from heartbreak neither could hiding her feelings, but maybe that was alright. Heartbreak was a part of life after all. She had survived it before, and she knew that she could survive it again. Her life had been changed in the best ways because Zay came back into it, and nothing could take that away. She would let things be and trust that in the end everything would be just right.


End file.
